the curse

Do you know what is the biggest curse? To love somebody and not be loved in return.To care for someone and not be cared in return, and what if such a scenario was the pattern of your life? What if you were never held in high esteem by people whom you selflessly devoted yourself to?
What if all your life, trying to give happiness to people you cared for, all you could manage was bad memories?What if your bad always outweighed your good?
Moments like these and I recount and wonder what those "many" bad memories were.I try recounting the innumerable instances when a innocent leg pulling,my own moods,some act,some words made me give my cared ones bad memories.
What if it all makes you believe in yourself a little less? What if it shakes the very core of your beliefs,and every living minute you wonder-where and what did you lack?
What if you were only a existance to people who mattered,a thing to be tolerated,lived with but never to be trusted,never to be respected and never to be really cared about?Did your one act unsurp all the acts?
What when your most prized people start refusing you,when the camaradrie, the sense of ease goes away with your each act being analyzed in your own eyes every second?
What if the rifts start growing too large and inspite of the efforts to build bridges,you always loose,being reminded of your failures-to build bridges,to build friendships,to build relations,to build trust,to build respect,to build love.
As you loose every single person you ever felt close to ,you have this sinking feeling in your gut and you ask the most basic question of them all-am I a good human being?Do I have to live with the curse all my life?

Memories

A freak scrap from a long lost friend stirred something in me and brought back a flurry of memories.It also brought pangs of loss.I read a friend's blog and she mentioned about memories fading,but do they really?Do we ever really move away? Forget-And Forgive?For me the memories are so vivid,memories of a lost love,memories of lost friendships,memories of all the places i visited,of every laugh i laughed and every tear i shed.Memories of Shimla and the idyllic childhood,Mhow with its joy of adolescence,Kota and the angst n pain of teenage,Bagalkot-of a lost love and Kolkata the nearest i got to what i'll call the good life.
Each one of us has certain memories associated with a place,a person or a object.A song on the road, a choclate cake,a visit to a mall.
In the end its these memories which defines us and shapes our outlook.They appear as a smile on our lips or a tear in our eyes.They are all about contentment,yearning,pain and a search-for answers,and sometimes questions,of hope courage and strength. They are about the long strolls,hand in hand or the first kiss,memories of the first fight.Its about the first date,the first gift.Memories are the endless phone conversations with ur loved one.Memories are the first achievement u felt proud of -and the subsequent ones,they are the failures and how u emerged stronger with each experience.Memories of your first goof-up,memories of ur stage fright.Memories for me are about friends
While i sit and look out at the rain outside and think about the memories from my earliest recollection it seems im seeing a kaleidoscope of my life pass by and i think-Do memories really fade away?